Now, this is scary, kids! Ontario's top health bureaucrat announces the “rules” for Halloween

• By Sheila Gunn Reid

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So, what does Ontario’s Chief Medical Officer of Health, Dr. Kieran (pronounced “Karen”?) Moore do for an encore after laying down the rules for Thanksgiving (now called “Vax-giving” by Toronto Mayor John Tory)? Well, Dr. Karen has now come up with the “rules” for Halloween (or is it Hallo-Vax-Ween?)

First rule: Dr. Karen recommends kids trick-or-treat outside as much as possible. No, he actually said that. Trick or treat… outside…

Second, trick-or-treaters should not sing or shout for their treats. So, please kids, whisper “trick or treat”… or make use of sign language. (Careful with the middle finger, though…)

Third, homeowners should keep interactions with trick-or-treaters short and encourage them to move along after receiving their treats. Oh, you don’t say, Dr. Karen? What a bummer! You see, I usually invite little kids into my house on Halloween. You know, I want to hear all about their life stories. And I want them to hang around as long as possible – or at least until the search party forms…

And finally, Dr. Karen wants trick-or-treaters to wear a face covering when physical distancing cannot be maintained. Oh, and he wants us to “be creative” with the aforementioned face-covering.

You want creative, Doc? You’ve come to the right place. Because I have now made it my mission to make the SAFEST possible Halloween mask (90% PPE, 10% plastic skull). Let’s hope it serves as a template for the small fries of our great Dominion as the bureaucrats do everything possible to exact the fun out of Halloween.

One thing is certain: our multi-layered solution is virtually guaranteed to keep COVID-19 at bay. OK, there are a couple of downsides… such as difficulty breathing and visual impairment. But “safety first” right?

In any event, Happy Halloween everybody. But I think next year I’m going to dress up as something less safe masking-wise, but way more scary costume-wise; yes, I’m going out trick-or-treating as a Chief Medical Officer of Health.