Good news: I won a small jackpot. Great news: For a change, the OLG paid up

I did it. I finally did it! I bought a winning lottery ticket. Not a life-changing amount of money, mind you, just $1,400… which means I can’t flee Justin Trudeau’s Democratic People’s Republic of Canada and start life anew in Costa Rica. Not yet… 

But I’m a real winner this time because I embarrassed the Ontario Lottery and Grifting – I mean, Gaming – Corporation to do the right thing and pay me my prize money. 

Astute readers of this space might recall that I have another winning lotto ticket in legal limbo because the OLG doesn’t believe I’m the actual purchaser of the ticket. Well, that’s not true exactly. They know damn well it’s my ticket – it was purchased with my credit card, after all. But they are a vindictive bunch, these OLGers. So, in order to collect my winnings, I must either threaten to sue them or proceed with a lawsuit to get what is rightfully mine. Win, lose or draw, it is the process that is the penalty. 

What do they have against Yours Truly? Well, they take exception to the reporting I’ve done over the years on this scandal-plagued outfit. 

Oh, don’t take my word for it that these guys are cheaters. Just ask the province’s ombudsman. Or the province’s auditor general. From scamming rightful winners out of their winnings to turning a blind eye to insiders making off with jackpots they were never entitled to, this is how the OLG rolls. In fact, the OLG is surely the most scandalous crown corporation in the history of… crown corporations. 

Indeed, Google the words “OLG” plus “scandal” and you get more than 800,000 hits. 800,000! Unbelievable. 

And instead of addressing their wicked ways, the OLG prefers to, well, shoot the messenger?! 

The funny thing is that in addition to being vindictive, these OLG folks are also dumber than doorknobs. Even though the OLG employs a legion of lawyers, they don’t seem to pay enough attention to their own nitty-gritty fine print. 

You see the OLG publishes a guidebook entitled, “How to Check Your Lottery Tickets and Claim Prizes.” 

Please note the following statement: “Your Lottery Prize Declaration form. All sections must be completed including where your ticket was purchased. Ensure the form is signed and witnessed.” 

The key word here is “where”. Simply put, “where” is NOT defined by the OLG. On the macro level, “where” could mean northern, southern, eastern or western Ontario. It could also mean a region (such as the Greater Toronto Area) or a municipality within that region (i.e., East York) or an area located in that municipality (i.e., Leaside) or a specific intersection or the precise address of the retailer. The point is, the OLG does NOT define the term “where.” And they use this caveat to screw rightful lottery winners out of their winnings. Appalling. 

Furthermore, check out my case that is hopefully going to be heard in small claims court later this year. I correctly stated that the winning ticket had been purchased in the City of Vaughan. There are precisely 444 municipalities in Ontario. And I correctly stated that the specific municipality was… Vaughan. Think about that: what, pray tell, are the odds that I would’ve correctly guessed which municipality the ticket was purchased in if this ticket had not been purchased by… me? 

But that’s not good enough for the OLG. So, we’re going to court. 

In any event, with my most recent win, I decided to be uber-cheeky. I decided to embarrass these grifters in terms of “where” the ticket was purchased. Thus, in an attached document to my prize claim form – and using huge 32-point type – here is what I presented to them: 

Galaxy: Milky Way 

Solar System: The Solar System 

Planet: Earth 

Hemisphere: Western 

Continent: North America 

Country: Canada 

Province: Ontario 

Venue: Petro Canada 

Longitude & Latitude Coordinates: 43.7075° N, 79.4530° W 

City: Toronto* (more on that later) 

Street Address: 2863 Dufferin Street 

Postal Code: M6B 3S5 

Oh, because the OLG is hopelessly woke, I thought I would curry favour with a Land Acknowledgement: “We acknowledge the land we are on is the traditional territory of many nations including the Mississauga's of the Credit, the Anishinaabeg Nation, the Chippewa, the Haudenosaunee and the Wendat peoples and is now home to many First Nations, Inuit and Métis peoples. We also acknowledge that Toronto is covered by Treaty 13 with the Mississauga's of the Credit.” 

Oh, and here is what the asterisk referred to after the word “Toronto”: “Just in case the OLG is looking for another technicality to deny this claim – and just in case the OLG is using outdated maps – I would like to clarify that this part of Toronto USED to be called the Borough of North York prior to amalgamation.” 

In short, I think I humiliated them to pay up… even though the OLG hates me for the well-deserved critical stories I have authored about them over the years. Yet alas, even the hardened grifters at the OLG likely realized they could not possibly deny this claim given that the question of “where” was answered beginning with the name of our galaxy and ended with the precise longitude and latitude coordinates of the gas station. 

As for my other prize claim before the courts, the OLG continues to play hardball. They’re even asking for costs. Can you believe the vindictiveness here? And can you believe that this is a crown corporation that justifies its very existence on a ludicrous concept known as “social responsibility”? 

But on sober second thought, you want to know something? I’m surprised that the OLG did not deny my claim based on yet another locational identifier. After all, I began my roadmap with the Milky Way Galaxy. I did not consider that many people believe that there is not a singular universe, but that there’s a multiverse. Indeed, in Marvel Comics, I believe the multiverse is comprised of 161 universes. Gee, do you suppose that in one of those alternate universes the OLG is a reputable crown corporation committed to honesty and customer service as opposed to a grifting racket that tries to screw rightful winners out of their prizes?