Soccer sucks! But we have a five-point plan to make it great
Every four years, we're promised drama, excitement and unforgettable moments. Every four years, we're rewarded with flopping, scoreless draws and 90 minutes we'll never get back.
Curses! Fooled and foiled again!
Every four years, we fall for all the hype, like some garden-variety rube down on the midway getting conned into playing a rigged game.
The hype in this instance is the FIFA World Cup of soccer. You know, the ultimate showcase for the so-called “Beautiful Game.”
We always tune in – albeit briefly – full of hope that this time it will be different. That this time, we’ll be on the edge of our seats, biting our nails.
It never happens…
We always end up walking away feeling bamboozled, a whole lot like Charlie Brown, the loveable loser who always buys into Lucy Van Pelt’s elaborate sales pitch that THIS time, for sure-for sure, pinky swear, she’s going to hold that football firmly in place. And we all know how that running gag ends…
Maybe we’re just too forgiving. Maybe we’re just too forgetful.
With each passing of four years, we always try – yet again – to watch World Cup soccer games, clamouring for action-packed thrills and excitement, only to discover that this tournament exists as the sporting version of Sominex.
Let’s face it, folks: soccer sucks. That’s right – we said it!
But fear not, sports fans, for we have come up with five ways in which to vastly improve this game.
Check out our recommendations to put the sizzle back in soccer!
David Menzies
Journalist and 'Mission Specialist'
David “The Menzoid” Menzies is the Rebel News "Mission Specialist." The Menzoid is equal parts outrageous and irreverent as he dares to ask the type of questions those in the Media Party would rather not ponder.
