Guttentag and vel-come to Toronto… Now, your papers, please! Schnell! SCHNELL!
Please forgive the beleaguered residents of Hogtown who might be thinking that they have somehow collectively breached the time-space continuum and are now residing in post-World War II East Berlin.
You see, on Thursday, Mayor John Tory ordered his uber-efficient city workers to wall off… trees sporting cherry blossoms?
Oh, it’s true, it’s true. The massive High Park is now walled off entirely. And at parks like Trinity Bellwoods, anywhere there are cherry blossoms blooming there is now temporary steel fencing preventing park-goers from getting too close. It’s in the name of public safety, mind you…
I’m not making this up, folks…
You see, His Highness – er, I mean, His Honour – doesn’t want Torontonians breaking the Wuhan virus social distancing laws by getting too close together as they tiptoe through the tulips at various municipal parks.
You see, taxpayers are obviously too stupid or too entitled to obey the bylaws when it comes to breaching that sacred two-metre COVID-19 rule. You know: like the rule John Tory himself breached for a photo op two weeks ago with healthcare workers? But I digress…
Cherry Blossoms move online
Oh, but not to worry: you can now go online and see the cherry blossoms blooming. Seriously. Alas, no word yet if Tory’s troops have been able to implement that theatric gimmick from the swingin’ ‘60s known as Smell-O-Vision. You know, so that social media users get to enjoy the whole cherry blossom experience…
Still, how perversely ironic. Toronto is a sanctuary city after all. Toronto City Council is chock full of progressives (and at least one communist.)
They hate the idea of, say, a Donald Trump building fences and walls to protect national sovereignty from illegal aliens.
But hey, turns out those whiz-bang steel barricades are very handy indeed when it comes to clamping down on the mobility rights of tax-paying citizens – you know, the yahoos actually footing the bill for this absolute nonsense!
To paraphrase one of the greatest presidents of the 20th century: “Mr. Tory: Tear down this wall!”