Don’tcha think air travel is horrendous enough as is?
The misery begins even before you get on the plane, actually.
You arrive at the airport hours early to go through security, removing your jacket your belt, your shoes. The whole process makes me feel as though I’m auditioning for The Chippendales. You know, I’m gonna fail that audition every single time…
Then there’s the airplane washroom, something that would be oh-so-comfortable if only the human physique resembled that of a Hobbit.
And of course, this being 2020, you gotta mask up. And don’t you even dare try telling the flight attendant you’ve got a mask exemption: she’s gonna go from The Flying Nun to Nurse Ratchet in 0.6 seconds flat.
But just when you thought jet-setting couldn’t get any worse, along comes a recommendation from the Civil Aviation Administration of China. The CAAC recently released new guidelines for China’s airline industry. Thanks to the Wuhan virus, the prime directive is focused on best hygiene practices for those working in airplanes.
Hey, I’m a huge fan of hygiene. But there’s one particular recommendation that… well… it really, really… stinks.
And it’s this: the CAAC doesn’t want flight attendants going to the loo during flights anymore. Yep, no more bathroom breaks! Maybe that’s doable if the flight is one of those half-hour quickie-commutes. But what about those monster transcontinental hauls lasting more than 16 hours?
Yikes. I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go… and there are no bushes around when you’re cruising at 30,000 feet above terra firma…
Well, thank goodness the CAAC has a super-duper solution for this issue: it wants flight attendants to — wait for it — wear… diapers.
Yep, these guys are really putting the pee-pee in the PPE…
Their suggestion is this:
It is recommended that cabin crew members wear disposable diapers and avoid using the lavatories barring special circumstances to avoid infection risks.
Infection risks? Alas, the catalyst for this whiz-bang recommendation is a story regarding a woman who travelled from Italy to South Korea. She contracted the coronavirus during the flight and apparently, the only time she didn’t wear her N95 mask was when she went to the lavatory. So it is that the tall-forehead types running China’s aviation authority believe that’s where she MIGHT HAVE been infected. Well, maybe. Would you believe, perhaps?
So, because of this theoretical Typhoid Mary, there’s now a move afoot to put flight attendants in… diapers? Yep, one on the face and one in the usual place.
My nostrils are weeping here. I mean, just think of the olfactory joy that awaits when diaper-donning flight attendants make the rounds servicing passengers… who are seated in what is essentially a hermetically sealed tube making use of recirculated air.
Good grief: are the friendly skies about to become the fecal skies?
Methinks the fantasy dies a gruesome and quick death once that sexy coffee, tea or me stewardess walks down the aisle with a freshly dispensed number two residing in her Depends.
No ma’am, no snacks for me please. I’m on a strict diet. And I’m DEFINITELY passing on that amber-hued Mountain Dew. But say, do you happen to have a clothes-peg I can affix to my nose? I’ll pay you 100 bucks for that!
On the plus side, thank goodness planes are equipped with barf bags. Hey. forget air turbulence; those little baggies are going to come in quite handy once the shite hits the fan.
As for joining the Mile High Club? Well, to quote Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura, Pet Detective: “Do NOT go in there…! Whoooh!”