Want a cut and style? Try federal prison

The coronavirus lockdown has separated us from our loved ones, our jobs, our hobbies, and from our beloved barbers and hairstylists.  

Men receiving bad pandemic haircuts from their under-skilled better halves have even spawned an entirely new genre of YouTube videos and Tiktoks.  

Guys, if you are getting desperate for a decent haircut, I have some advice you should heed before you let one of your womenfolk near your head with a pair of dull crafting scissors.  

Do something to get yourself thrown in the slammer. It's easier than it ever was! Maybe try rollerblading in an empty parking lot with your kids, or sitting on a park bench, or smelling the cherry blossoms in High Park. All of those things are serious pandemic no-nos.  

Then, self identify as a woman to get into a ladies jail. That's also easier than ever.  

Why?

While my split ends can be seen from the international space station, federal inmates in women's Canada's prisons are getting spa treatments.  We found this on the government procurement and contracts website 

Hairdressing Services Nova Institution for Women

The Correctional Service Canada has a requirement to provide Hairdressing/Barbering services to inmates. 

These basic services (shampoo/cut and dry) will be offered/provided on when and as required basis at Nova Institution up to eight (8) hours per week.

Objectives: The contractor must provide up to eight (8) hours of service to Nova Institution inmates, per week in accordance with the Project Authorities’ operational need. All services must be provided in locations approved by the Project Authority.

Deliverables: The contractor will perform Hairdressing services as outlined: 

  • haircuts/shampoo/blow dry
  • perm/relaxer
  • texturize
  • colouring
  • highlights
  • highlights (single foil)
  • tinting
  • bleaching
  • waxing (brows and upper lip) 

Prisoners are getting perms and foils while those of us on virus house arrest are considering letting a loved one with a YouTube beauty school education give us a make over!