Well, it would certainly appear that this John Tory story is less PG and far more triple-X. And, hey, one of those X’s is part of Mr. Tory’s new whiz-bang job resume – namely, he is now the ex-Mayor of Toronto.
Indeed, on Friday night, Tory made the shocking announcement that he was resigning. Alas and alack, it turned out that this uber-righteous man who portrayed himself as Hogtown’s moral compass during the COVID-19 scamdemic was, well, not all that very moral himself.
You see, during the height of COVID, when we were all hunkering down under threat of fines or even imprisonment, it turns out that John Tory was having a prolonged sexual fling with City of Toronto staffer, Emily Hillstrom.
That’s a wee bit of a problem given that Tory has been married to Barbara Hackett for almost five decades. Barbara is a very resourceful woman, by the way. You may recall that she miraculously found a hairdresser to take care of her lovely locks when everyone else in the city resembled the cast from 'Hair' due to barber shops being forced to shutter. But I digress…
Well, actually, I do not digress all that much, really… because when one looks at the timeline of Tory’s extramarital affair, it dovetails precisely with the worst COVID-19 lockdown protocols that infected Toronto in 2020 and 2021. And it now looks like two sets of rules were being enforced: one for the great unwashed masses and the other for the anointed elites.
You recall the drill: we were all ordered to wear useless face diapers. Ma & pa businesses were told to close their doors (but not the big guys ranging from Walmart to the LCBO, mind you. Science, you see… or maybe it was a matter of “Membership has its privileges” as the old American Express tagline goes.)
And, of course, we were endlessly told to socially distance – you know, stand two metres away from one another to avoid the transmission of those COVID cooties.
And yet, while all this was being pronounced and enforced by his Honour Mayor Tory, Johnnie himself was horizontally jogging with Hillstrom, who, by the way, is some 37 years his junior.
Hey, I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. But can someone please explain how social distancing is achieved when, you know, you are so close to a subordinate that the end result is the exchange of bodily fluids?
And how is it that as Torontonians collectively suffered under draconian coronavirus rules that really had no effect on curbing the virus, Mayor Tory took the opportunity to reinvent himself as Casanova – and was able to skirt those rules while (ahem) skirt-chasing.
Let me guess: was this yet another example of that prevailing COVID-19 theme: namely, one law for me, one law for thee; do as I say, not as I do. Got it!
But now that the wicked truth has been revealed about how John Tory was behaving behind closed doors, it turns out that karma really is something that rhymes with “witch.” Because as this Right Honourable Mayor made life miserable for Torontonians, John Tory just couldn’t keep his John Thomas from popping out of his polyester pants.
And no, Mr. Tory, we haven’t forgotten how horrible you were during the height of the pandemic. Remember how this mayor fenced off High Park, Berlin Wall-style, to prevent citizens from… smelling the cherry blossoms? I’m not making this up, folks, check it out:
Yeah… we the people couldn’t sniff those cherry blossoms… while at the same time, John Tory was apparently inhaling the sweet scent of… ah, I don’t think I’ll go there, actually…
And the social distancing dumbness would only continue. Consider Trinity Bellwoods Park. Tory had bylaw paint some 800 so-called social distancing circles on the lawns of Trinity Bellwoods. The idea is that park visitors had to stay in their own little assigned circles and stay away from others. Wow, sounds like fun, eh? And once again, folks, I’m not making this up…
Oh, incidentally, while law-abiding taxpaying citizens were being treated like petulant little brats, such was not the case elsewhere in Trinity Bellwoods Park. You see, a filthy tent city encampment had sprung up under John Tory’s watch. It was completely illegal, breaking perhaps a dozen sections of the Tresspass Act. And as we discovered, the hard way, some of those tents housed dangerous people – and dangerous animals, for that matter. Check out this footage:
You know, once upon a time, before my beloved Hogtown became a so-called sanctuary city and the rule of law was ignored, Peter Ustinov described Toronto as “A kind of New York operated by the Swiss”. Alas, these days, with crime running rampant under Tory’s ineffective watch, Toronto has devolved into a kind of New York as operated by… the Haitians.
And from the sublime to the ridiculous, Mayor Casanova, stealing an idea from wackadoodle California Governor Gavin Newsom even got preachy to us in terms of how we should eat. Check it out:
You know, I wonder if John Tory kept his mask on as he was getting up close and personal with Emily Hillstrom during the pandemic, giving new meaning to the term “safe sex.”
In any event, as Tory shagged his mistress, you and I were forbidden from eating at ma & pa restaurants. Remember how Tory and his sidekick, Dr. Cruella – er I mean, Eileen – De Villa, literally sent in all the king’s horses and all the king’s men to shut down Adamson Barbecue and put its owner, Adam Skelly, out of business. Remember this weird wickedness?
Despicable… but it was all for our safety, folks.
Oh, by the way, just 400 metres away from Adamson Barbecue is a Costco Superstore. And get this: Costco’s foodservice facility never closed, for not even one hour during the pandemic. I wonder why…?
Let us also not forget that under John Tory’s watch, the right to protest and freedom of the press also took a kick to the gonads. Check out this highlight reel – or is it lowlight reel? – from Yonge Dundas Square:
Yeah, waving a Canadian flag or asking impolite questions in what is literally the town square was deemed to be intolerable and unsafe behaviour during the pandemic by Mayor Tory… and it was horrifically shut down via police as if Toronto was Havana or Tehran. And yet all this time, Tory and his mistress were taking part in naked twister. What chutzpah; what sheer unmitigated gall!
And, really, this is what makes the John Tory/Emily Hillstrom affair so downright sordid. It’s not just because Tory is a married man. It’s not just because he slept with a subordinate employee, which is apparently a huge H.R. no-no these days. Rather, this man was so sanctimonious to the people of Toronto and was so quick to use law enforcement to enforce his tyranny… yet all the while behind the scenes, Tory, like a true tyrant, was breaking all the pandemic rules himself. So much for leading by example...
As for an epilogue, in the department of “Don’t cry for me, Argentina”, while Tory is no longer Toronto mayor, he now has far more time to visit his multimillion-dollar Florida mansion or travel abroad… with or without his wife.
And as for Emily Hillstrom, she’s failed upwards, it would appear. Granted, Emily is no longer employed by the City of Toronto. But that’s ok. You see, given how the Old Boys Network operates, Emily now has a lucrative gig just down the street from Toronto City Hall. She’s now gainfully employed at Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. That’s the very same corporate leviathan that is co-owned by Rogers Communications… and yes, that’s the very same company that John Tory continues to be involved with. Tory sits on the Rogers family trust board, making six figures a year. No conflict of interest to see here, folks, move along, move along. So let that be a lesson for future John Tory mistresses: if you get caught red-handed engaging in some extracurricular hanky-panky, Johnny Boy will take care of you, easy-peasy…
But I wonder what Hillstrom will be doing at MLSE to earn her lucrative salary? I mean, does she actually know ANYTHING about hockey or basketball or football or soccer? Maybe she can be a cheerleader for the MLSE-owned Toronto Argonauts? Opportunities abound… if you have the right connections.
As for you, Mr. John Tory, you have finally proven yourself to be what we all speculated you were during the pandmeic: you’re a liar, a grifter, a cheater, a loser, and a scoundrel. And to think you had the utter audacity to tell the rest of us how to live our lives during the pandemic under threat of imprisonment? Are you kidding?
Oh, folks, if only the Walk of Atonement as depicted in Game of Thrones was codified in Canadian law:
For Rebel News, I’m David “The Menzoid” Menzies.